Oxycontin

17:53

Sometimes things just work out.

I didn't think things could work out so perfectly..me wanting to move out as soon as possible and then this girl who called me wants to leave her roommate soon too. I was worried at first, that the overwhelming smell of smoke and pot would dissuade her but the first thing she told me when she called to ask about the apartment was, "I'll be honest with you, I'm a 420", which I had to clarify because I guess I never really grew up in knowing those kinds of things. But it looks like everything's going to be fine in terms of my living situation. Nice.

[15:00]
I went to the orthopedic surgeon today. I think that some professional schools should emphasize the fact that getting a diploma does not give them license to act like a pompous ass. My doctor was harassing his receptionist..making her (and the patients wait) as he was catching up with a friend in his office. She was nervously flitting about because I told her I had a class to go to, one of the other guys there needed results asap/health insurance forms cleared and he was bleh.

This guy had it made..making X amount/hour, leaving the office at 3:30 pm, deciding when to take or not take in patients. And he walked as if he was the shit. Other people have the same degree and I doubt this guy would ever give services for free. I like running into these social prostitutes every so often though, it's entertaining...something like looking for a hammer amongst the screwdrivers and hacksaws.. So, he took 5 minutes (I think that's the time limit for every doctor) to look at my shoulder, tell me my X-rays were fine, but I might have a labral tear in my shoulder and to get it checked out I would need to get an experimental ($500) MRI arthrogram done.

[14:00]
Raced to Marine Pharm after taking a nap. I don't know why but recently my nap dreams, (and sometimes even the ones at night) involve people from judo. Even though it's understandable since I spend some/all of my time around these lovely people, there are other people, or I should say, one person I'd rather be dreaming about.

To be honest, I was apathetic the other day. That scared me very much because I had been the one to worry that the other person would forget about me and yet I became a hypocrite. It's true that it's only been since July but it feels like such a very long time. There are moments in my day that I have to stop and remind myself that those events really did happen and I really do have someone who loves me very much somewhere out there. Because if I forget to remember, it's as if I never lived those days of sunshine, hugs and kisses, blotched cooking sessions, couch naps/tv weekends, cuddling, the first date, the first walk on the beach, meeting him at the bbq. I don't want to forget any of that. But somehow a few months away and hearing about or seeing pictures of him with other people make me feel as if he's a stranger to me. I think that's why skype is such a lifesaver..otherwise I would think that he's become too distant to even talk to me.

I was so excited about visiting him for winter break but the past couple of days ,( as it's approaching), I've begun to get cold feet. I wonder if it will turn out to be everything I wanted or if I will leave feeling rejected and unloved. In my dreams I imagined dramatically running towards him as soon as I get off the plane/out of the car and jumping up to wrap my legs around him and give him a kiss like in the movies where the lovers finally reunite. But after seeing him have fun with his so called new found friends, I wonder if it will be icy and I'll attempt to give him a hug when I see him, but it's been so long that it's become awkward to be around him again..the situation forced him into feeling as if there was no one there for him.

In reality there are so many people here who would do anything for him. So there are people over there who will get him drunk to the point of sickness or taking him out to go to clubs and dancing with girls other than his girlfriend and that will all be seen as good things that good people have done for him to keep him away from his misery and lonliness. But there are people here who would go to the beach with him or parties with the judo club or making dinner at home and watching a movie or going to freebird's after beer pong or kobachi's after practice, workouts on Tuesdays and Thursdays and massages followed by cuddling afterwards. And these would have been considered good things done by good people too.

I wish things had never changed..that I still had the same silly roommate, the amazing boyfriend just a 5 minute bike ride away..so I wouldn't have to deal with any of this. When he's not around I wonder if he's forgotten me because even though I have qualities that he likes, it's not as if others don't have the same. And I don't need or want constant reassurance because I am not needy. But I still hope everything will work out and it's just so easy for time and distance to separate (unless it's real of course).

This December we'll have been together for a year*, (a year, sweetheart, not 9 months < sheesh). I'll just have to see where it goes, I guess.