Waiting

11/9/09 1 pm

I have been told that your environment can define who you are, even more so as you get older and the rift between family bonds and the attachment to total strangers gets increasingly wider. I was naive at the time to think otherwise. Or maybe optimistic, it's all the same to me now.

I live in an apartment full of thieves. I wouldn't mind it so much if they were in the same financial situation as me, but they go out every weekend to get plastered/drugged up and spend the rest on organic crap. So it would most likely be safe to say that they are by no means poor. I by generic food stuffs because its cheaper and they throw it out. If I leave things around XYZ will eat all of it. So I've started hoarding food in my room like a pack rat and I have to hide fruits and other fresh food in the fridge (they'll eat all of my hot pockets). It is not a good sign if one comes home to see all of his/her's house mates gone and breathe a sigh of relief. I wish I was in a house hold where I couldn't wait to come home..like last year. But there's no point in reminiscing since that's never going to come back.

I wish I could build a time machine so that I could go back and relive last year exactly as it was..but I wonder if, in retrospect, things would have been better had I not done certain things or never met certain people.

It's depressing to say the least, when the people you are around everyday change who are in a bad way. I used to be very happy and glad to be alive. That's not so true recently but I guess I just need to try harder to be around the people whom I want to be around. Speaking of which..

There comes a point where you've tried so hard and nothing's come of it so you want to give up. What's the point of putting so much effort into something if you get rejected again and again? I was bullied as a kid, but I did not think I would have to deal with this shit when I turned 21.

I don't like them, simple as that. There are certain people in this world one just can't get along with. And I did not think it would be expected of me to accept everyone who comes along, (especially when their values clash so terribly with mine).

I stopped praying last year. I used to pray every night before I went to sleep since second grade. I wanted my family to be happy and in good health and that I would get good grades so I could be a doctor and help lots of people. But then I met a man and I started to pray less and less. Not because there was anything intrinsically wrong with how I saw my religion. I simply forgot. For a while I thought it was terrible that one person could so drastically change me. I talked to a few people about it because if such an ingrained habit could be taken away from me so easily, I wondered if there are other things that could also be lost. A lot of people told me to stop seeing this person. But I refused, (probably out of stubbornness..among other things). Maybe I was just afraid to be alone again. Or that I would make the same mistake my roommate made of letting go of the greatest love of her life because she didn't want to do long distance and ended up going on a bunch of rebounds and calling me crying every weekend because trying to get back with an ex just does not work. But all the while she pined for the one that got away. There are so many different roads it's so easy to get lost sometimes. But this is working for me at the moment (even though it is unbelievably ridiculous at times). So I guess we'll see where it takes us. And hopefully all will go well..as long as no one interferes with the Plan.

I never wanted to be a spiteful person so I wonder how I could let myself change so much. I wonder what people or things I need to throw away so I can live the life I've imagined (but that, in itself, sounds so very cruel). I wish I could go back to my first year self-optimistic, free spirited, happy.

8 pm

I am constantly amazed by how lucky I am. I've only been cold and yet he offers everything without me ever asking. And I am constantly feeling loved even though he's so very far away. People probably doubt this kind of relationship simply because they only see one side (the person who's in their vicinity). He might be an ocean away,but he is constantly doing things to make me feel safe and loved. They're not just words if they can make your day when you're feeling all alone. Thank God for skype and phones, (and tech savvy boyfriends). Another thing I'm thankful for is my fast rebound rate; I can usually get over upsetting things within a few hours or so.

Except for the whole time/distance thing, this is what I've dreamed about as a little girl~it's almost like the stuff that fairy tales are made of..almost.